Those Words from My Father Which Rescued Me as a First-Time Parent

"In my view I was just just surviving for the first year."

Ex- reality TV personality Ryan Libbey anticipated to manage the demands of becoming a dad.

But the truth soon became "very different" to his expectations.

Severe health issues surrounding the birth resulted in his partner Louise admitted to hospital. Abruptly he was pushed into becoming her main carer in addition to taking care of their infant son Leo.

"I took on all the nights, each diaper… every walk. The job of both mum and dad," Ryan explained.

After 11 months he reached burnout. It was a chat with his own dad, on a bench in the park, that made him realise he needed help.

The simple statement "You are not in a good place. You need some help. How can I help you?" created an opening for Ryan to express himself truthfully, seek support and find a way back.

His story is far from unique, but infrequently talked about. Although society is now more comfortable talking about the strain on moms and about PND, far less attention is paid about the difficulties dads face.

Seeking help isn't a weakness to seek assistance

Ryan feels his difficulties are linked to a broader failure to communicate between men, who still hold onto negative ideas of manhood.

Men, he says, often feel they must be "the harbour wall that just takes the pounding and doesn't fall time and again."

"It is not a display of failure to ask for help. I failed to do that soon enough," he adds.

Mental health expert Dr Jill Domoney, a researcher specialising in mental health surrounding childbirth, explains men frequently refuse to admit they're having a hard time.

They can think they are "not justified to be requesting help" - particularly in front of a mother and child - but she highlights their mental health is vitally important to the unit.

Ryan's chat with his dad gave him the space to request a break - spending a short trip abroad, outside of the family home, to get a fresh outlook.

He came to see he had to make a adjustment to consider his and his partner's emotions as well as the practical tasks of caring for a infant.

When he was honest with Louise, he discovered he'd failed to notice "what she longed for" -reassuring touch and paying attention to her words.

Self-parenting

That insight has reshaped how Ryan sees parenthood.

He's now penning Leo weekly letters about his journey as a dad, which he aspires his son will read as he matures.

Ryan hopes these will enable his son to more fully comprehend the vocabulary of feelings and interpret his decisions as a father.

The idea of "reparenting" is something musician Professor Green - also known as Stephen Manderson - has also experienced deeply since fathering his son Slimane, who is now four years old.

As a child Stephen was without reliable male a father figure. Even with having an "wonderful" connection with his dad, profound difficult experiences resulted in his father found it hard to cope and was "in and out" of his life, complicating their relationship.

Stephen says suppressing emotions resulted in him make "poor actions" when he was younger to modify how he felt, finding solace in drink and drugs as escapism from the pain.

"You turn to things that don't help," he says. "They can briefly alter how you feel, but they will ultimately make things worse."

Strategies for Getting By as a First-Time Parent

• Talk to someone - if you feel swamped, speak to a friend, your partner or a professional what you're going through. Doing so may to lighten the load and make you feel more supported.
• Keep up your interests - keep doing the pursuits that allowed you to feel like the person you were before having a baby. This might be playing sport, meeting up with mates or a favourite hobby.
• Pay attention to the body - eating well, physical activity and where possible, getting some sleep, all are important in how your mind is faring.
• Spend time with other new dads - sharing their stories, the challenges, and also the joys, can help to put into perspective how you're feeling.
• Understand that seeking help is not failure - looking after you is the optimal method you can care for your family.

When his father subsequently died by suicide, Stephen expectedly had difficulty processing the loss, having been out of touch with him for years.

As a dad now, Stephen's resolved not to "continue the chain" with his own son and instead offer the stability and emotional guidance he missed out on.

When his son threatens to have a tantrum, for example, they try "shaking it out" together - expressing the emotions constructively.

The two men Ryan and Stephen explain they have become improved and more well-rounded men due to the fact that they faced their issues, changed how they communicate, and figured out how to control themselves for their kids.

"I'm better… sitting with things and handling things," states Stephen.

"I put that down in a note to Leo recently," Ryan shares. "I said, on occasion I believe my job is to teach and advise you what to do, but the truth is, it's a two-way conversation. I am discovering an equal amount as you are through this experience."